The Great Internet Debacle of 2011

The following is a true story.

I called to put my DSL internet account on pause for a while in between moves because I thought that would be easier than disconnecting and reconnecting service in a couple of months. Easier. If only I had realized that it would have been easier to manually remove the phone wires from the house I was moving from and physically drag them and replace them at the house I was moving to. Easier. What a concept…

Anyone who has ever had dealings with a telecom company (read: virtually everyone because they run the world) knows that they have a reputation for being, let’s say, “not the best” at customer service. I only make this gross understatement to account for the very few-and-far-between times when the level of service is “average” or even “almost good.” But the example I am about to share with you is neither of those and, I’m fairly certain, is not one I could have made up even with a team of people whose only job is to concoct the worst-ever telecom story.

As I mentioned, I called AT&T (heretofore known as “the evil telecom corporation,” or ETC, for short) to temporarily suspend my account while in-between permanent residences. What happened, though, is that one day after the originally requested date of suspension (after having moved into the new house and gotten settled), I had a change of heart and decided to call back and let ETC know that I wouldn’t be needing to suspend the account at all and would prefer to just continue service and have it moved to the new address. Once I had gotten a service representative on the phone, the conversation went something like this:

Rep: “Hi, my goal today is to ensure that you are a highly satisfied customer. How can I help you?” 

Me: “Thank you, I’d like to remove my account from temporarily suspended status, please.”

Rep: “Ok then, let me look up your account.” [Pause] “Hmmm… ok well… hmmm… let’s see here…”

Me: [concerned] “Is there a problem?”

Rep: “Well, it’s just that this account has been finalized, which means permanently closed. But I can see that this was done in error, and I’ll do everything I can to correct it. It shouldn’t be a problem because you normally have 30 days to reinstate a cancelled account without penalty. Let me transfer you to the department who can help you with that.”

Me: “Oh wow, well, alright…” [holding]

[Still holding]

Message comes on: “We’re sorry. This number has been disconnected or is no longer in service, please check the number and try your call again.”

So, of course, at this point I call back and explain what just happened to Customer Service Representative #2 who has to transfer me to another department... which apparently doesn’t exist because all I got was dead air. So, listen, I’m a reasonable human being. I feel like, ok, I’ll just call back a 3^rd time and get this all straightened out. So I call again. Call #3 goes something like this:

Rep: “Hi, my goal today is to ensure that you are a highly satisfied customer. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, I got disconnected twice and really I’m just trying to get my account back up and running since it was cancelled in error.”

Rep: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Let me take a look at your account and see what we can do to get you back up and running. [Pause] Ok ma’am, I’m sorry, but what we’ll have to do is just go ahead & create a new account for you because the old account has been finalized, which means that we can’t reopen it.” 

Me: “What? But the other representative said that…” 

Rep: “I understand, and I apologize, but that’s all we can do.”

Me: o_0 “Well, if that’s all that can be done…”

So we proceed to set up a brand-spanking new account, complete with credit check and all. The only problem is that I would like to speak with someone about the activation date of the service because this representative who is setting up my new account tells me it will take a week. So, she gave me an order number (not to be confused with an account number) and asked me to hold. So, I held to be transferred. This time, I didn’t get a number-not-in-service message or dead air. What I got, however, was an automated phone system, which required an ETC Employee PIN ID to advance. Which was, of course, USELESS.

Now that is a lot of words, even for a condensed version of the story to this point. But did I mention that those three calls used up an hour and a half of my day?

But fine, at least the account has been set up (though I don’t have the account number), and I’m in business. Call #4:

Rep: [Something about making me satisfied and some other b.s…] --

Me: “Yes, hi, I just set up a new account after the one I had was disconnected in error. I would just like to speak with someone about expediting the activation date because it never should have been cancelled in the first place, I still have my equipment, and the house I’m currently in already had DSL service in another name recently, so everything should just be ready to go…”

Rep: “Well, I’m sorry but without your account number I can’t help you. Maybe we can locate it by your name.”

NEGATIVE.

Rep: “Maybe your order number?”

WRONG AGAIN.

Rep: “Maybe your address?”

NOPE.

So because she had given up, she told me she needed to ask her manager what she should do to help me. The manager of course recommends that she transfer me to another department with more access to records.

o_0

Now, if you guessed that I was disconnected again, you are absolutely… CORRECT! My level of frustration had now escalated to higher-than-normal levels. I called back. This representative found my account number with relative ease, although she did have to inform me that I still wouldn’t have service until another week because a Technician had to come out to my house to rewire something. More on this later.

A week passed, and the day arrived when a live internet connection would at last come flowing forth freely into my home. When I got home from work that day at around 4:30, I figured I should test it out to make sure everything was working properly. However, when to my great chagrin the internet connection did not spill forth from my modem, I was a little more than upset. I called ETC.

The representative I spoke with this time told me that a Technician had come to the house and was unable to fix what needed fixing (whatever that mysterious thing was). The new estimated delay in service: another week. An Engineer would now have to come to the house to flip fix the switch problem. I grumbled and was very frustrated with how complicated the whole thing had become, but my hands were tied. I just had to wait another week.

The total time-spent-on-phone with ETC at this point was nearing 4.5 hours. 4.5 mind-numbing hours of frustration and confusion.

But that was then. I anticipated the newly assigned activation date much less eagerly than I had the first. This company had completely lost my confidence, but in the end, there was no alternative. It was either pay this much-lower monthly premium and deal with this evil telecom corporation OR pay a much higher one for the equally evil cable internet service provider. Ah, mono duopolies...

The day did finally come when all would be made good again, though. April 20^th, my promised date of installation, was finally here. I heard a truck pull up to my house. There was a knock at the door. “Oh, hooray! The Engineer has arrived!” I thought with glee, happy that the ordeal was finally over. I opened the door, and there stood…

The UPS guy? Holding a package from ETC.

Yes, apparently, what ETC had failed to mention was that they call package delivery servicemen “Engineers” and “Technicians,” which is a fine euphemism for those hardworking folks. Doesn’t quite equal what they IMPLIED, however, which was very plainly stated by several different representatives — that someone had to come to my house to rewire something or other. They even went as far as to read the “Technician’s notes.” But you may be thinking, “Well, someone could have come out to your house without you knowing and did what was needed outside.” That is true. But I didn’t tell you what was in the package.

It was the installation CD to activate my service. When I called ETC for the 100^th time (I’ve left out a few calls for length’s sake), the representative this time had nothing to say about anyone coming out to my house. Isn’t that just a funny little thing? XD Things that make you go hmm...

What they also neglected to mention was that making me a "highly satisfied customer" meant telling me anything I wanted to hear to be able to either pass me off to another department (whether in existence or not), or keeping me on hold so long I forget at least one of my complaints or questions, or giving me the finger through the phone because they knew that they had me no matter what since there are NO REAL ALTERNATIVES.

What should not have been a big deal at all, actually intensified to the point that I became uncomfortable with the violent thoughts I was having toward this very sinister, incompetent telecom giant. So the end of the story is that I now have internet at home again, even though I hate the people providing it to me.

The moral of the story: They are lucky my words aren’t flammable — because if they were, the evil telecom corporation would have burned to the ground. That Swingline stapler wouldn’t even have been left, Milton. No, sir. They’d all be working on the drywall up there at the new McDonald’s. If my words were flammable, that is. I guess maybe it’s better for all of us they’re not.

This has been a public service announcement by The On Your Side Consumer Services Group, a subsidiary of Ponderings & Pensées. We're here to help.