Chasing Sun

Someone once said to me, "The only way I would run is if someone was chasing me." While that would be an excellent reason to book it quick time, running is actually something I use as an outlet for stress or sadness... and sometimes even fatigue. You might think that's strange, but the endorphin rush that follows a good run or workout can be AMAZING for the body, mind, and soul and can be so refreshing that it actually (whereas you might think it would drain your energy) wakes you up.

The other day, however, while I thought I had this great idea to go for a run to relieve some anxiety, what I  soon found out was that the universe had planted this idea in my brain and was conspiring to teach me a lesson.

I started out by driving to a local baseball park with a walking track where I don't usually go - just for variety. But when I got there and stepped out of the car, I noticed very dark clouds in one part of the sky. At first I thought I'd just take my chances, but I didn't get far before it started to drizzle and since I had my phone on me (Pandora makes for awesome musical accompaniment while running), I went back to the car and decided to simply drive toward the blue skies over where I usually run.

As I drove in that direction, the gray clouds seemed to follow and just before I arrived, down came the rain. So, I turned the car around and looked toward the last bit of blue left in the now mostly overcast sky and realized there was still hope - a track where I've gone to run before was holding it down just under that patch of blue.

This time, the moment I pulled up, the rain began en force.

And with each gigantic drop of rain that fell, all hopes of running were washed completely away. There would be no outlet, no venting the frustration, no feeling of release, no...

And then it occurred to me: I realized that what I was experiencing was a living metaphor for what's happening in my life. I'll write it down.

I've been chasing sunshine for sometime now, hoping with each new day that I'll find my place and achieve a higher level of inner peace. But lately I've hit one roadblock after the next, one storm after the other, and to say it's discouraging would be an understatement. Some days I do a better job of dealing with that struggle than others, and overall I do a decent job, but on that rainy day, I cried. I cried because the stress I was seeking to alleviate was due to constant job applications with zero responses, as well as relocating back to New Orleans and all the stress that necessarily comes with trying to get settled - to name a couple. I give myself grace the best way I can, but that is something I haven't quite mastered, so sometimes the only way I know how to deal with things is by running - both literally and figuratively.

But this is where writing comes in. What writing does is invaluable to me because it affords me an alternative. It makes me confront what I'm feeling, forces me to look it directly in the face, say its name, and in the end, helps me realize that even by writing all these things I'm testifying to an inner strength that I sometimes refuse to consciously acknowledge. That while I might be chasing the sunshine, I'm at least running toward something, hopeful and not giving up.

So here's to sunshine and a tenacious spirit. And to admitting that it's ok to feel more vulnerable some days - and to keepin' on keepin' on.